First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Come back. Shots need mouths.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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