I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
