Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
