you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
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