i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I wish there were birth control emojis
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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