why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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