On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Randomize
