Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
