I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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