so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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