I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Randomize
