I'm so fucking centered right now
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
