And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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