I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
