My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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