i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
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