Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Best friends brother. Beat that.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize