you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Randomize
