Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I lost the right to judge tonight
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
