I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
