My hand turned me down
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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