Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
