Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize