Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
