I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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