Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
