Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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