I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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