the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
What drink are we having for lunch?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize