not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
