He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
so much tequila, so little girl.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
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