i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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