the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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