I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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