$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
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