my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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