He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
