I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
cat food counts as protein by the way
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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