So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
