I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
