Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize