I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
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