New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
