I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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