The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Just invented taco cereal.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
