i just sent this text using only my big toe
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
