He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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