It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Randomize