Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
