I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
