I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
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