If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
