i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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