so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
