he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
