I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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