i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Randomize
