Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Randomize
