I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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