actually, I'm a sock model
Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Randomize
