When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
