And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
