OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
