Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
