Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
