Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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