Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
