She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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